7 days

Is it really true that a mere 7 days from now I will be on my way to the airport, leaving this country,and  these memories forever?

I sometimes think about what it felt like 7 days into this trip, the newness, the excitement, the ability to drink at a real bar ha. All of these things seem so strange now. My everyday routine now, was mysterious and different then. Now I know the faces of the cashiers at Shopping World, and have gotten used to the workers at Börekçi laughing at my American Turkish accent. Everything has become regular, familiar, comfortable. 

It’s scary to think that I have to go home. Having to relearn a new culture. What will it be like to drive a car? What will it be like to be in my own bed, thousands of miles from my small room in Superdorm that has become my home away from home? I've gained so much here, and it's even more frightening to think about loosing that when I return home. 

What will people ask me? How will I respond?  How do you explain the suffocating smell of fish on the  Galata bridge? How do you mimic the cat calls of “Charlies Angels”, or “Excuse me beautiful” that overwhelm you at The Grand Bazaar? I cannot explain the cold shock, and slippery rocks of the Mediterranean ocean, the taste of potato pide, the calmness of drinking tea for hours, the sound of children speaking Turkish, the sound of anyone speaking Turkish. I cannot explain how I have grown to love the taste of Efes and bad wine, or the smell of the Saturday market, or the feeling of comfortability in a totally uncomfortable situation.  

Then I begin to think, do I want to explain these things? They are my treasures, my secrets. It’s the little things I am scared most of loosing. The things that seem so regular now, that I will struggle to recall in a years time. 

I’m sure I will be asked the question “do you feel different?” This seems so silly to even begin to answer. Of course I have changed, we all change and grow. Every new day brings a new piece of yourself into being. So yes, I have changed, but I am not different.  A part of me has been reborn on the streets of this city. I have gained patience, trust, knowledge, grace, and outlook on a whole new culture, language, and country. Something that many people go their whole lives without. 

I don’t think I was ready for it, honestly. I don’t think I understood what study abroad really meant. I have never been alone in my whole life, and being thrust into such a new environment forced up some pretty scary feelings of loneliness. It was so easy for me to succumb to these feelings and not live to the best of my abilities. But that's the cheap way out. Despite my stubbornness it was for the best. I hope to look back on this experience and see the good, and not the bad. But even if I do remember those feelings, I will remember them for how they helped me grow as a person. 

So when that day comes, when I step on a plane and leave this ground forever, I will be leaving a piece of my heart. Istanbul has become home to be. I am being uprooted from my home, to return again to my home. I leave this place to continue my journey of growing as a person. 

A special pocket of my heart is reserved for Istanbul, and I will leave with that pocket full to the brim.